STILLWATER, OK — April 1, 2025 — Oklahoma State University has officially hit rock bottom—and just when we thought we’d struck bedrock, we kept digging. If OSU were a country song, it would be titled "The Tractor’s on Fire, Grandma’s Stuck in the Well, and the Dog Just Left Me for OU."
Let’s break it down.
But Gundy, whose mullet may or may not grant him diplomatic immunity in the state of Oklahoma, is not going down without a fight. When asked about the situation, Gundy—who recently declared that “poor people are just dumb”—stood firm.
“You think a guy like me is scared? Hell, I survived Boone Pickens, I survived ‘I’m a Man, I’m 40!’, and I’ve survived every haircut I’ve ever had. I’ll survive this too.”
Meanwhile, OSU’s football recruiting class has been ranked somewhere between “Kansas in the 90s” and “that one guy at the YMCA who plays in jeans.”
The final straw? University funds were apparently being redirected toward “projects” spearheaded by her husband. These included:
“Yeah, I mean, we used to be good,” Holliday said, staring wistfully at a poster of Robin Ventura. “But honestly, who cares? Have you seen what’s happening to football?”
OSU baseball is currently in last place in the Big 12, behind teams that don’t even have baseball fields and a club team from Tulsa made up entirely of dads in beer league jerseys.
Wyatt Hendrickson, under the guidance of Coach David Taylor, pulled off the biggest upset in NCAA wrestling history by defeating Olympic champion Gable Steveson on national television.
Not only did Hendrickson take down Steveson, but after the match, President Donald Trump declared him “Captain America”, hoisting him onto his shoulders like a scene out of Rocky IV.
“Folks, I mean this, nobody’s ever seen a win like that before,” Trump said. “Some are saying it’s the greatest takedown in wrestling history. We love Wyatt, don’t we, folks? I think, and I’m just saying this, maybe we should get rid of Congress and let OSU wrestling run the country. Just a thought!”
The Corral Rivals forum is in FULL MELTDOWN MODE. They don’t just want answers; they want blood. One user wrote, “CHAD COULDN’T FIND HIS OWN BUTT WITH A GPS, A COMPASS, AND AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL.”
Others have suggested potential replacements for Weiberg, including:
One thing is certain: if Oklahoma State is going to fix this mess, it will take a miracle, a lot of money, and possibly a wrestling team-led coup.
Stay tuned.
Let’s break it down.
1. JIMMY HARREL VS. MIKE GUNDY: A SHOWDOWN FOR THE AGES
In what historians are calling “the least shocking drama in OSU history,” Board of Regents Chair Jimmy Harrel has once again attempted to fire football coach Mike Gundy. Harrel, who has seemingly dedicated his entire existence to making life as uncomfortable as possible for OSU athletics, was last seen sprinting across campus with a pink slip in one hand and a torch in the other.But Gundy, whose mullet may or may not grant him diplomatic immunity in the state of Oklahoma, is not going down without a fight. When asked about the situation, Gundy—who recently declared that “poor people are just dumb”—stood firm.
“You think a guy like me is scared? Hell, I survived Boone Pickens, I survived ‘I’m a Man, I’m 40!’, and I’ve survived every haircut I’ve ever had. I’ll survive this too.”
Meanwhile, OSU’s football recruiting class has been ranked somewhere between “Kansas in the 90s” and “that one guy at the YMCA who plays in jeans.”
2. KAYSE SHRUM’S FINANCIAL MALFEASANCE BONANZA
President Kayse Shrum has been relieved of her duties for what experts are calling "a financial catastrophe only possible in a place where cows outnumber people."The final straw? University funds were apparently being redirected toward “projects” spearheaded by her husband. These included:
- A campus-wide pickleball expansion (despite no one ever asking for this)
- A statue of himself outside Boone Pickens Stadium (which, according to sources, he sculpted himself out of Play-Doh)
- A "Shrum Family Research Center", which consisted mostly of a broken lawn chair and an old iPad
3. BASEBALL TEAM SO BAD, IT MAKES US MISS THE COVID SEASON
Josh Holliday, who once led OSU baseball to heights reminiscent of its legendary past, has now driven the team into "basement-dwelling dumpster fire" status.“Yeah, I mean, we used to be good,” Holliday said, staring wistfully at a poster of Robin Ventura. “But honestly, who cares? Have you seen what’s happening to football?”
OSU baseball is currently in last place in the Big 12, behind teams that don’t even have baseball fields and a club team from Tulsa made up entirely of dads in beer league jerseys.
4. WRESTLING: THE LAST HOPE
With the school crumbling like an overcooked Eskimo Joe’s cheese fry, it was up to OSU wrestling to pull off a miracle. And they DID.Wyatt Hendrickson, under the guidance of Coach David Taylor, pulled off the biggest upset in NCAA wrestling history by defeating Olympic champion Gable Steveson on national television.
Not only did Hendrickson take down Steveson, but after the match, President Donald Trump declared him “Captain America”, hoisting him onto his shoulders like a scene out of Rocky IV.
“Folks, I mean this, nobody’s ever seen a win like that before,” Trump said. “Some are saying it’s the greatest takedown in wrestling history. We love Wyatt, don’t we, folks? I think, and I’m just saying this, maybe we should get rid of Congress and let OSU wrestling run the country. Just a thought!”
5. CHAD WEIBERG: STUCK IN A NIGHTMARE OF HIS OWN MAKING
With the school and its athletic department looking like a Waffle House at 3 AM, Athletic Director Chad Weiberg now finds himself in the ultimate crisis.The Corral Rivals forum is in FULL MELTDOWN MODE. They don’t just want answers; they want blood. One user wrote, “CHAD COULDN’T FIND HIS OWN BUTT WITH A GPS, A COMPASS, AND AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL.”
Others have suggested potential replacements for Weiberg, including:
- Pistol Pete
- Mike Holder (again, for some reason)
- A possum that’s been hanging around Gallagher-Iba Arena
- A literal bottle of ranch dressing
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
With OSU in complete shambles, rumors are swirling about desperate solutions. Some believe Boone Pickens’ ghost will be summoned for guidance. Others say the entire athletic department will be outsourced to T. Boone’s oil fields.One thing is certain: if Oklahoma State is going to fix this mess, it will take a miracle, a lot of money, and possibly a wrestling team-led coup.
Stay tuned.
