Jeff Johnson, once the proud proprietor of OSTATEILLUSTRATED, is now watching his empire implode faster than his cattle ranching operation and cryptocurrency investments. Turns out, betting big on blockchain bovines wasn’t the golden calf moment he envisioned. But fear not! A colorful cast of "saviors" is circling like vultures over a bad investment:
Southernpoke – The slumlord tycoon from Atlanta plans a hostile takeover, whose ego is somehow even larger than his atrocious golf handicap. He may slice his drives into the woods, but he never slices his rental fees—those just go up. His plan for more profitability? Charge for each post.
CowboyJD – The bankruptcy expert, offering "helpful" financial advice while subtly preparing foreclosure papers on Jeff’s last remaining cow. His motto? “Your ruin, my consulting fee.”
OSU2082 – An Oklahoma House of Representatives member on a mission to install Kevin Stitt as the next OSU president—because who needs academic qualifications when you have political connections? Also on a mission to turn the site into a pro-Jimmy Harrel think tank, because clearly, the key to a thriving message board is advocating for the firing of Mike Gundy.
OSUCAESAR – The self-appointed Vatican representative, declaring this entire hostile takeover God’s Will™. Donations are now mandatory for salvation—major credit cards and cryptocurrency (excluding Jeff’s) accepted.
Squinky – The site’s resident wildcard, who somehow hijacked the takeover Zoom call by accident and spent 20 minutes talking about Bigfoot, vintage soda cans, and why Gundy’s mullet is an economic indicator before anyone noticed. No one knows why he’s here, but at this point, we’re rolling with it.
MajorMike_Ret – The site’s self-proclaimed NBA expert, who has never once been correct about Thunder basketball. He predicted OKC would trade for an aging veteran who retired five years ago. At this point, Vegas sets odds based on whatever he says and then bets the opposite.
OKSTATE1 – The long-winded poster, already drafting a 10,000-word injunction against Southernpoke’s pay-per-post scheme. He has cited four Supreme Court cases, the Magna Carta, and an obscure Oklahoma cattle law from 1897 to argue that message board fees are unconstitutional. The court hearing is scheduled for next month—assuming he finishes writing his opening argument before then.
Plot Twist: Jeff’s last-ditch effort? Selling NFTs of Southernpoke’s horrendous golf swing to fund his comeback. Meanwhile, Squinky just bought a controlling stake in the site with Monopoly money and a rare Beanie Baby, MajorMike_Ret is still insisting Giddey is a "tall Ricky Rubio," and OKSTATE1 is preparing to filibuster the entire board into submission. Can Jeff stop OSU2082 from turning the site into a campaign platform for Stitt's academic aspirations and taking the content deeper in to GDS and fees based on each post?
Southernpoke – The slumlord tycoon from Atlanta plans a hostile takeover, whose ego is somehow even larger than his atrocious golf handicap. He may slice his drives into the woods, but he never slices his rental fees—those just go up. His plan for more profitability? Charge for each post.
CowboyJD – The bankruptcy expert, offering "helpful" financial advice while subtly preparing foreclosure papers on Jeff’s last remaining cow. His motto? “Your ruin, my consulting fee.”
OSU2082 – An Oklahoma House of Representatives member on a mission to install Kevin Stitt as the next OSU president—because who needs academic qualifications when you have political connections? Also on a mission to turn the site into a pro-Jimmy Harrel think tank, because clearly, the key to a thriving message board is advocating for the firing of Mike Gundy.
OSUCAESAR – The self-appointed Vatican representative, declaring this entire hostile takeover God’s Will™. Donations are now mandatory for salvation—major credit cards and cryptocurrency (excluding Jeff’s) accepted.
Squinky – The site’s resident wildcard, who somehow hijacked the takeover Zoom call by accident and spent 20 minutes talking about Bigfoot, vintage soda cans, and why Gundy’s mullet is an economic indicator before anyone noticed. No one knows why he’s here, but at this point, we’re rolling with it.
MajorMike_Ret – The site’s self-proclaimed NBA expert, who has never once been correct about Thunder basketball. He predicted OKC would trade for an aging veteran who retired five years ago. At this point, Vegas sets odds based on whatever he says and then bets the opposite.
OKSTATE1 – The long-winded poster, already drafting a 10,000-word injunction against Southernpoke’s pay-per-post scheme. He has cited four Supreme Court cases, the Magna Carta, and an obscure Oklahoma cattle law from 1897 to argue that message board fees are unconstitutional. The court hearing is scheduled for next month—assuming he finishes writing his opening argument before then.
Plot Twist: Jeff’s last-ditch effort? Selling NFTs of Southernpoke’s horrendous golf swing to fund his comeback. Meanwhile, Squinky just bought a controlling stake in the site with Monopoly money and a rare Beanie Baby, MajorMike_Ret is still insisting Giddey is a "tall Ricky Rubio," and OKSTATE1 is preparing to filibuster the entire board into submission. Can Jeff stop OSU2082 from turning the site into a campaign platform for Stitt's academic aspirations and taking the content deeper in to GDS and fees based on each post?
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