Managing text conversations with wife/gf

[CBradSmith]

To put it succinctly, I hate having long conversations via text. For some reason my brain is very word specific. Maybe better said, it ties strict meaning to words and how words are used/arranged.

I am also sensitive to what seems to be a lack of appreciation to the demands on my time when someone will try to have these conversations while I'm at work.

Not surprisingly, I can get pretty agitated when dragged into "deeper" conversations via text. I've gotten into a habit of point-blank asking if the conversation can be held in person, or at minimum, by conversation over the phone at a good time.

This doesn't always work.

You know I'm at a point of near exasperation when I put this here. Has anybody implemented some rules or guidelines for when to communicate, what can be communicated, etc, that has led to a large reduction in stress/agitation?

Or am I just a little high strung on this particular issue?

 

[MegaPoke]

To me it's way war better than getting stuck on the phone.

 

[CBradSmith]

Lol. If it were a good relationship like yours, I'm sure that is the case.

My above post is indicative that all is not necessarily well. Not that you should know that. My bad.

 

[MegaPoke]

Lol. If it were a good relationship like yours, I'm sure that is the case.

My above post is indicative that all is not necessarily well. Not that you should know that. My bad.

Sorry to hear that man. But yes, in that case it would be incredibly annoying and intrusive. Given that, I think it's totally acceptable to say those are conversations you need to have in person where context and non verbal communication can make a bigger difference, and hopefully be less of a time suck.

 

[Orange Jennyslipper]

To men, a phone is a tool -- just like a hammer. You use it to get a particular job done and then you put the damn thing down. For women, it's an extension of a very important basic need: socialization. Neither is right or wrong, that's just the way it is.

Moms get pissed if their sons don't call them. Wives get pissed when husbands don't want to go into details in texts. They just need a hug and a reminder that, as the male in the relationship, you value face-to-face time when you communicate. Probably not a good idea to save up all your essential communications for the missionary position, however.

 

[CBradSmith]

Lol. Oh man...good chuckle.

I get that.

In the end it's about her ability to listen (as I interpret the behavior)...meaning, I acknowledge I have limitations in both understanding and communicating via text when the topic is deep (on the relationship itself), and so that I don't i) misinterpret nor ii) respond poorly, I ask that those be conducted in a call, or better, face to face.

But that doesn't stop her from doing it.

Hence the frustration.

Eh, that's why I have you fellas. haha.

 

[nathajw]

I don't know if you have a desk job or not but my wife has Gmail and so do I, we usually talk on G chat. Hell of a lot easier to type on a keyboard than a phone. We hardly ever text.

 

[CBradSmith]

As a side note, and seeking edification where appropriate...

1. As a matter of practice, I almost never vent about her/a gf to anybody. I feel that stuff should stay under wraps, and if I do find myself finally venting, that's predictive that the relationship may be on its last leg. So...it some form of light venting necessary, healthy, constructive?

2. I also don't seek outside advice nearly ever. I've experienced a lot, read a lot, an am introspective almost to a fault. I know how to "listen" (which is akin to learning like 10 different languages at once I've found). So when I have issues within a relationship, I do a self diagnostic to see where I'm being unreasonable or less than gracious. I dig to see the merits of what is being expressed. I see where I affect that, and also what may be coming from her internally. Is there a breakdown in communication, or is there some prior precedence that is causing her to potentially interpret my actions/words in a way other than intended.

The nutshell is, I don't ask for advice nearly ever bc I feel I'm equipped to handle most situations. When I don't feel equipped, I read, research, or possibly ask a trusted family member. The greatest utility I find in outside advice is perspective shift, but even then, I'm almost always told something as already know.

All that said, what is a "normal" amount of outside advice to seek? And by normal, I really mean healthy or effective.

3. Lastly, is it naive of me to believe that it's reasonable to expect that I can have a fairly stress free (yes there will be the day to day things that require managing and effort ) with individuals (women) inclined to be that way?

I assess her to have an "agitated soul." Hopefully that term is understandable. It has the potential to be less-so, but no guarantee, and I've been with her about 2.5 years. I'd consider my soul extremely laid back, at peace is its natural place. Hell, I get fired up the majority of the time on the politics board just to get my competitive juices flowing. Exercise, sports, also other channeled ways to deal with/jettison any stress I may have.

Anyway, I'll end. Thanks for your contributions. Maybe these outloud musing by me and contributors will be insightful to others (for their own sake).

 

[JonnyVito]

according to Cordell and Cordell you should be using e-mail so you have a record of past communications.

 

[100TonsofOrangeFury]

I assess her to have an "agitated soul."

That to me is all you need to say. Those women can be lived with and managed, but not by me. I don't know how anyone could, but there are those that can or about 50% of the female sex would be without a partner.

People's advice will not suffice! That deep stuff has to be said in person, in a calm environment. Hiding behind texts to share deep matters is pointless and indicative of something serious IMO.

 

[CBradSmith]

@100TonsofOrangeFury I consider it a big deal as well.

@AggiesBoy I was chuckling at your statement to not discuss 100% of important matters in the missionary position. Haha still laughing.

@JonnyVito Ain't that the sad truth. We aren't in a position where that is necessary though.

 

[Orange Jennyslipper]

Tell her you know how important open communication is to any relationship and admit that you, like most men, express yourself much better in person that at the keyboard. Few of us are Shakespeare.

Tell her your feelings for her are too important to risk miscommunicating them to her.

Make your counseling checks out to Cyrano de Bergerac.

As for asking advice of other guys, I seldom bother asking because I know half of my friends would say, "I'd tell that bitch to kiss my ass Goodbye!" while the other half would advise me that "You're not really good enough for her anyway, man." In the end it's your relationship -- you have to work it out on your own. If you can't make it work out, what's the big deal? The dating process is all about culling and choosing, culling and choosing.

That's why I would never suggest professional "couples' counseling" to a couple who's only dating. If you can't make it work, both of you need to throw the other back and re-bait your hooks.

If your relationship doesn't work out, it doesn't mean either one of you are bad people, you're just not a couple. Who cares? I guarantee you won't care about her after you've met the right girl for you. You wouldn't want to be married to a lot of the women in your life even though you like them a lot. Be ready to just add her to that list.

 

[Rdcldad]

Texting is for honey can you pick up some milk on the way home.

That's my rule
No wiggle room
Call me old fashioned
It's ok

 

[shortbus]

Because of the constant drama with the girl I've been saying since October, my text messages have gone from 5000 a month give or take 1000 to about 12000 a month on average.

Nearly 400 per day on average I'd say.

There's also a group text with 6 other college buddies that we've had for several years that accounts for 100 or so a day. We're like a bunch of little girls, but you'd be lucky to be so close.

Her phone now literally freezes up when she tries to text me. She can't delete them or remove them from her phone there are so many. I tried fixing it but it's a pos android so I got nothin.

My solution was to stop texting so damn much.

The result is we FB message more.

Conclusion: I am a failure at life.

 

[CBradSmith]

Holy sh*t. Lol. How do you get any work done?

 

[MajorMike_Ret]

I looked and saw your post was very long while your first few lines basically said you hate long text conversations and you get agitated when your wife rambles.

Maybe you ramble a bit, too?

 

[CBradSmith]

I looked and saw your post was very long while your first few lines basically said you hate long text conversations and you get agitated when your wife rambles.

Maybe you ramble a bit, too?

Not via text.

And not when discussing weighty subjects.

 

[GoPokes43]

Because of the constant drama with the girl I've been saying since October, my text messages have gone from 5000 a month give or take 1000 to about 12000 a month on average.

Nearly 400 per day on average I'd say.

There's also a group text with 6 other college buddies that we've had for several years that accounts for 100 or so a day. We're like a bunch of little girls, but you'd be lucky to be so close.

Her phone now literally freezes up when she tries to text me. She can't delete them or remove them from her phone there are so many. I tried fixing it but it's a pos android so I got nothin.

My solution was to stop texting so damn much.

The result is we FB message more.

Conclusion: I am a failure at life.

Wow! I might have 5 a day. A year ago I probably averaged 5 a year.

 

[squeak]

You guys talk to your wives?

 

[FalseGod]

I'd dump either the wife or the GF. Having both is probably causing most of your problems.