Tuesday October 3, 2023
Stillwater, OK
Staff Reports-
PETA to Protest Oklahoma State Game
Animal rights activists have announced their intention to protest outside Boone Pickens Stadium before the Oklahoma State versus Kansas State football game Friday night in Stillwater. Representatives from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) evidently take exception to Oklahoma State’s usage of “Bullet IV”, the black American quarter horse stallion ridden by the “Spirit Rider” following touchdowns at home football games. While a protest of animal mascots by this organization is not completely surprising, their reason for protest has caught the OSU athletic department flat footed. PETA founder Ingrid Newkirk explained, “We understand the school’s tie in with horsemanship and are not against school spirit, however, we think OSU’s treatment of Bullet is cruel. He only gets to run after touchdowns and this offense hasn’t exactly been galloping up and down the field in several years, so the poor old boy is getting fat. We don’t really feel he has the chest cavity to carry this kind of weight, so naturally we have serious concerns about his physical and mental health.”
In a surprising break from PETA’s usual pointless whining, she also offered the football program some surprisingly insightful and viable recommendations to rectify the situation, “Obviously step one is to fire the offensive coordinator and offensive line coach and get somebody in here with a more complicated route tree and blocking schemes than Kiefer High School. We really wish Cecil O’Brate would pony up enough coin to bring back Todd Monken and get this f###ing horse some exercise and an opportunity for happiness”.
When asked his opinion on the matter, coach Mike Gundy simulated flatulence sounds with his lips and declared, “It makes me sick. These coaches have families! I would barbecue and eat that horse before I changed our staff, we will continue to run our system. There’s no major problems with the system and we have practiced well this week. Now that Holder is retired, nobody can tell me what to do, which is awesome because I’m the smartest guy in the room. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go run out to my pond with Gunner and shoot some turtles.”
An active player, who spoke to us under the condition of anonymity volunteered, “Yeah, I’m constantly backpedaling and throwing off my back foot, only to watch the ball bounce harmlessly off the excessively high crown of the field right as I’m slammed to the ground. When I pick myself up off the turf, first I pray to God I didn’t get another punctured lung, but then I try to avoid looking over toward the southwest endzone tunnel because all I see is Bullet staring back at me in disgust. It just kind of wears on me after a while and hurts my feelings, cuz he doesn’t understand what it’s like running for your life behind this sieve Coach Dickey calls an offensive line…and How would he like it if we rotated horses every four series? That was horsesh#t! He needs to realize we’re all suffering here”.
When asked for comment, anonymous members of the Spirit Rider veterinary staff indicated there is some cause for concern. “It’s not so much about the added weight to the horse’s frame, so much as Bullet has been suffering through a deep depression the last several seasons and seems to be actively praying for death. We’ve tried everything. We loaded him up on a shitload of horsey Prozac, but it takes weeks to take affect. We played “Cowboys 4Ever” for him, but we had to stop after he seemed to inflict self-harm, slamming his head against the side of his stall. We tried to run him around in the pasture for some exercise, but he seems to have simply lost his spirit. He knows his only meaningful runs follow touchdowns. In a moment of desperation, we thought we would put him a field with a bunch of fillies, but he just glared at us. I kind of forgot, he’s been suffering from erectile disfunction after years of watching this impotent offense, and it seemed to embarrass him in front of all the girls. We’re not going to give up on him just yet, but I think you may need to shoot whoever drew up this offense, this simply cannot be fixed.” Our hard-hitting journalist decided to go right to the source and ask the horse, but Bullet made direct eye contact and pissed on her boots as if to suggest that the feeble filly fix was about as pointless as running Jaden Nixon up between the tackles against a stacked box on third and long. Bullet demands touchdowns.”
We will continue to follow this story as the season progresses.
Stillwater, OK
Staff Reports-
PETA to Protest Oklahoma State Game
Animal rights activists have announced their intention to protest outside Boone Pickens Stadium before the Oklahoma State versus Kansas State football game Friday night in Stillwater. Representatives from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) evidently take exception to Oklahoma State’s usage of “Bullet IV”, the black American quarter horse stallion ridden by the “Spirit Rider” following touchdowns at home football games. While a protest of animal mascots by this organization is not completely surprising, their reason for protest has caught the OSU athletic department flat footed. PETA founder Ingrid Newkirk explained, “We understand the school’s tie in with horsemanship and are not against school spirit, however, we think OSU’s treatment of Bullet is cruel. He only gets to run after touchdowns and this offense hasn’t exactly been galloping up and down the field in several years, so the poor old boy is getting fat. We don’t really feel he has the chest cavity to carry this kind of weight, so naturally we have serious concerns about his physical and mental health.”
In a surprising break from PETA’s usual pointless whining, she also offered the football program some surprisingly insightful and viable recommendations to rectify the situation, “Obviously step one is to fire the offensive coordinator and offensive line coach and get somebody in here with a more complicated route tree and blocking schemes than Kiefer High School. We really wish Cecil O’Brate would pony up enough coin to bring back Todd Monken and get this f###ing horse some exercise and an opportunity for happiness”.
When asked his opinion on the matter, coach Mike Gundy simulated flatulence sounds with his lips and declared, “It makes me sick. These coaches have families! I would barbecue and eat that horse before I changed our staff, we will continue to run our system. There’s no major problems with the system and we have practiced well this week. Now that Holder is retired, nobody can tell me what to do, which is awesome because I’m the smartest guy in the room. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go run out to my pond with Gunner and shoot some turtles.”
An active player, who spoke to us under the condition of anonymity volunteered, “Yeah, I’m constantly backpedaling and throwing off my back foot, only to watch the ball bounce harmlessly off the excessively high crown of the field right as I’m slammed to the ground. When I pick myself up off the turf, first I pray to God I didn’t get another punctured lung, but then I try to avoid looking over toward the southwest endzone tunnel because all I see is Bullet staring back at me in disgust. It just kind of wears on me after a while and hurts my feelings, cuz he doesn’t understand what it’s like running for your life behind this sieve Coach Dickey calls an offensive line…and How would he like it if we rotated horses every four series? That was horsesh#t! He needs to realize we’re all suffering here”.
When asked for comment, anonymous members of the Spirit Rider veterinary staff indicated there is some cause for concern. “It’s not so much about the added weight to the horse’s frame, so much as Bullet has been suffering through a deep depression the last several seasons and seems to be actively praying for death. We’ve tried everything. We loaded him up on a shitload of horsey Prozac, but it takes weeks to take affect. We played “Cowboys 4Ever” for him, but we had to stop after he seemed to inflict self-harm, slamming his head against the side of his stall. We tried to run him around in the pasture for some exercise, but he seems to have simply lost his spirit. He knows his only meaningful runs follow touchdowns. In a moment of desperation, we thought we would put him a field with a bunch of fillies, but he just glared at us. I kind of forgot, he’s been suffering from erectile disfunction after years of watching this impotent offense, and it seemed to embarrass him in front of all the girls. We’re not going to give up on him just yet, but I think you may need to shoot whoever drew up this offense, this simply cannot be fixed.” Our hard-hitting journalist decided to go right to the source and ask the horse, but Bullet made direct eye contact and pissed on her boots as if to suggest that the feeble filly fix was about as pointless as running Jaden Nixon up between the tackles against a stacked box on third and long. Bullet demands touchdowns.”
We will continue to follow this story as the season progresses.
