[AP, Oklahoma City] Anthropologist B.S. Carlson listens intently near the deli section of a local Wal Mart, a quizzical look on her face. Two minutes prior, she half-shouted “Boomer!” while crouching behind a pile of rotisserie chickens to listen. No response. Minutes passed. Still, nothing. Moving stealthily to the pet section, again she calls, “Boomer!” No answer. For the next hour and a half, this scene repeated – from grocery to apparel, sporting to pharmacy, tires and beyond – until finally, Carlson was convinced. Like the Wal Mart before it, this store was utterly devoid of Sooner life. Baffled, Carlson scribbled in her notebook, checked the time, and began the trek south on I-44. One more Super Center to check before the die-off could be confirmed.
Two days before the curious non-events at Wal Mart, the sun was shining, Heisman talk filled the airwaves, and the Sooner faithful were obnoxiously abundant. By evening of the same day, the entire landscape had changed. For two hours on Saturday afternoon, domestic violence and wanton destruction of property spiked – and then ominously, silence settled upon Oklahoma City. Within hours, experts from across the country were mobilized – alarmed at the prospect of an entire species nearing catastrophic collapse. Reports in Oklahoma City were soon followed by panicked calls from Dallas, Houston, and Washington D.C. By Sunday morning, “Soonering”, had replaced “Clemsonsing” in the annals of infamy. The A-Team (Anthropologists-Team) was immediately dispatched from anonymous bunkers across the country.
The last Super Center offered but a small glimmer of hope. Huddled behind the ammo counter, Ms. Carlson excitedly re-enacted the moment a lone “soooooner...” whisper was caught on tape. Although the individual was never identified, B.S. excitedly replayed the audio. Barely audible amidst the crackling and bustle of the marketplace, a groan resembling “sooooner...” can be heard; proof, Carlson hopes, the Sooner sub-species yet exists.
This most recent silencing of the Sooner faithful has baffled scientists. While other moments of darkness could be explained away by the voodoo cult surrounding “Big Game Bob”, no such “Big Game” was witnessed prior to the most recent population decimation. Indeed, the current Sooner die-off has been likened to the ill-fated saiga of the Mongolian steppe; with the current hypothesis focused on a bacteria-borne illness.
The A-Team asks that all shoppers, especially those amongst the Sooner-related clearance racks, remain vigilant for proof of Sooner-life. Anyone witnessing the “Boomer” / “Sooner” mating call should immediately report the event to the nearest authorities. See something, say something. Only you can prevent Sooner extinction!
Two days before the curious non-events at Wal Mart, the sun was shining, Heisman talk filled the airwaves, and the Sooner faithful were obnoxiously abundant. By evening of the same day, the entire landscape had changed. For two hours on Saturday afternoon, domestic violence and wanton destruction of property spiked – and then ominously, silence settled upon Oklahoma City. Within hours, experts from across the country were mobilized – alarmed at the prospect of an entire species nearing catastrophic collapse. Reports in Oklahoma City were soon followed by panicked calls from Dallas, Houston, and Washington D.C. By Sunday morning, “Soonering”, had replaced “Clemsonsing” in the annals of infamy. The A-Team (Anthropologists-Team) was immediately dispatched from anonymous bunkers across the country.
The last Super Center offered but a small glimmer of hope. Huddled behind the ammo counter, Ms. Carlson excitedly re-enacted the moment a lone “soooooner...” whisper was caught on tape. Although the individual was never identified, B.S. excitedly replayed the audio. Barely audible amidst the crackling and bustle of the marketplace, a groan resembling “sooooner...” can be heard; proof, Carlson hopes, the Sooner sub-species yet exists.
This most recent silencing of the Sooner faithful has baffled scientists. While other moments of darkness could be explained away by the voodoo cult surrounding “Big Game Bob”, no such “Big Game” was witnessed prior to the most recent population decimation. Indeed, the current Sooner die-off has been likened to the ill-fated saiga of the Mongolian steppe; with the current hypothesis focused on a bacteria-borne illness.
The A-Team asks that all shoppers, especially those amongst the Sooner-related clearance racks, remain vigilant for proof of Sooner-life. Anyone witnessing the “Boomer” / “Sooner” mating call should immediately report the event to the nearest authorities. See something, say something. Only you can prevent Sooner extinction!
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