Need advice for elderly parent

[N. Pappagiorgio]

My dad, who will be 88 in December and has been living alone since my mom died in 1999, was in a car crash today. He totaled two cars plus his but thankfully nobody was injured. He hit the gas instead of the brake.

I talked to him tonight and he is in total denial and is only thinking about replacing his car.

He has no desire to leave his 3,000 square foot home and go in to any kind of facility.

Is there anything I can do to get him off the road before he kills himself or others? Can the DMV relinquish his license if "anonymous" parties request it based on this recent incident?

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[purkey]

took the keys from my dad around 90 years old but he had dementia and knew it and didn't put up a fight about it. Not sure what you can do if you have a disagreeable parent. That is their last shred of independence so taking it is a huge deal. Getting old is no fun. There are lots of alternatives to putting him in a facility as I would let him live at home as long as possible. You can always have someone come in a few hours a day to assist him. I'm surprised his insurance agent hasn't called you and told you what might be a good idea. I got calls from my dads agent. My dad would call them but wouldn't remember why, so that was a big tipoff! I'd say it's time to take the keys as the next time he may not be so lucky. There isn't a easy way to do it.

 

[Ghost Of Mr. Iba]

My dad, who will be 88 in December and has been living alone since my mom died in 1999, was in a car crash today. He totaled two cars plus his but thankfully nobody was injured. He hit the gas instead of the brake.

I talked to him tonight and he is in total denial and is only thinking about replacing his car.

He has no desire to leave his 3,000 square foot home and go in to any kind of facility.

Is there anything I can do to get him off the road before he kills himself or others? Can the DMV relinquish his license if "anonymous" parties request it based on this recent incident?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Man, I feel for you. Don't really have any advice, but I know how painful this is.

 

[ThorOdinson13]

Find out if your state will honor a letter from a physician requiring retesting for the DL (beyond and eye exam) and get in touch with his primary care physician. I'm sorry, that's all I got.

 

[N. Pappagiorgio]

Thanks guys. Just got to figure out a way to keep him from killing somebody yet keep his independence. Anybody in OKC want to drive him around a few hours a day?

 

[Orange Jennyslipper]

It's a tough, tough call. There are plenty of people who will do exactly what you're looking for, but I don't know what you can do to make sure they're not ripping him off. Apparently many of these professional "helpers" make a handsome living screwing over and cheating the elderly.

Since you don't live close enough to check up on the helpers, you and he are really at their mercy.



I hope you're happy, Nic. I just erased six long paragraphs of anecdotes about people ripping off a 101-year-old man that my wife has been helping take care of for six years. I know your attention span has never been good and I hear your eyes are failing.

 

[anon_xl72qcu5isp39]

I've dealt with this for clients a few times. The Doctor is usually the key. Plus, it doesn't hurt for other reasons to have a memorialized medical record establishing dementia/incompetence before the elderly get too defensive/mad/radical with their proposed solutions. The point about people stepping in and exploiting people with dementia is well founded and when people think nursing homes and loss of freedom is their fate, they can make some pretty wild decisions.

 

[HighStickHarry]

Probably time for him to move in with you. My grandpa told me when he was deteriorating physically a phrase that has stuck with me. Once a man, twice a child.

 

[N. Pappagiorgio]

aggiesboy, I was kind of thinking you could drive him around.

You are right, somebody with bad intentions could probably take advantage of him.

HSH, him moving in with me is a good idea but wouldn't currently work. I have a brother nearby that I think I will talk to about moving in to dads house. My brother is a little strange so who knows if he would do it.

 

[Orange Jennyslipper]

Pappa, I'd be glad to drive your dad around once in a while if he lived closer, and I'll drop him off at the topless bar, but I'm not waiting in the parking lot for him to come out.

The elderly don't have to suffer from dementia to be taken advantage of.

My wife is fighting a losing battle with the other ladies helping her. She's been there six years while the round-the-clock ladies were added last year when the gentleman started needing serious help. His mind is still sharp, but he's nearly bed-ridden now.

Paintings, knick-knacks, $500 cash have disappeared from the house. My son-in-law takes his own mower and weed eater up there and does the yards for free. So one of the women took the old man's John Deere riding mower.

When my wife called her out about it, she claimed she took it so her husband could change the oil. She brought it back three weeks later. This woman has years "experience" and some kind of home care certification, she demands being paid in cash or takes her checks to the issuing bank and cashes them. She "works" at least 70 hours a week for different elderly people and brags about paying no taxes.

Other ladies have already "claimed" things around the house they intend to take when the poor old guy dies. Bunch of GD vultures and not much you can do about it other than beat up old ladies.

The man's daughter signs the checks but lives nearly two hours away and my wife has told her about the things she knows she can prove. But the daughter is in her late 70s and when told about the crap going on, her response is "well, I guess we'll have to pray about it."

She's not senile, she owns and operates a ranch seven days a week. It's hard to find help out in the country, I don't know if it's any better in the city or not.

 

[ThorOdinson13]

Pappa, I'd be glad to drive your dad around once in a while if he lived closer, and I'll drop him off at the topless bar, but I'm not waiting in the parking lot for him to come out.

The elderly don't have to suffer from dementia to be taken advantage of.

My wife is fighting a losing battle with the other ladies helping her. She's been there six years while the round-the-clock ladies were added last year when the gentleman started needing serious help. His mind is still sharp, but he's nearly bed-ridden now.

Paintings, knick-knacks, $500 cash have disappeared from the house. My son-in-law takes his own mower and weed eater up there and does the yards for free. So one of the women took the old man's John Deere riding mower.

When my wife called her out about it, she claimed she took it so her husband could change the oil. She brought it back three weeks later. This woman has years "experience" and some kind of home care certification, she demands being paid in cash or takes her checks to the issuing bank and cashes them. She "works" at least 70 hours a week for different elderly people and brags about paying no taxes.

Other ladies have already "claimed" things around the house they intend to take when the poor old guy dies. Bunch of GD vultures and not much you can do about it other than beat up old ladies.

The man's daughter signs the checks but lives nearly two hours away and my wife has told her about the things she knows she can prove. But the daughter is in her late 70s and when told about the crap going on, her response is "well, I guess we'll have to pray about it."

She's not senile, she owns and operates a ranch seven days a week. It's hard to find help out in the country, I don't know if it's any better in the city or not.

Vultures like that will get their due, sickening. I honestly believe that.

 

[hollywood]

N.P. check your private messages....

 

[N. Pappagiorgio]

N.P. check your private messages....

Responded.

 

[N. Pappagiorgio]

Pappa, I'd be glad to drive your dad around once in a while if he lived closer, and I'll drop him off at the topless bar, but I'm not waiting in the parking lot for him to come out.
.

His wife (my mom) died 17 years ago. Dad is a very conservative church going man but Katie bar the door since mom is gone. He is all about dating ladies 30 years his junior and loves to brag about it to me and my wife. There have been several cringe worthy moments and plenty of laughs as well. I guess we are fortunate that he hasn't been taken financial advantage of to date.

Anybody who takes advantage of an elderly person should be hung in the public square.

 

[dtspoke]

I told dad I'm locking him in the barn with a five gallon bucket of water and a never ending supply of pork chops if he won't listen to me. He thinks it's a pretty good idea.

 

[Orange Jennyslipper]

I told dad I'm locking him in the barn with a five gallon bucket of water and a never ending supply of pork chops if he won't listen to me. He thinks it's a pretty good idea.

If we don't have to shower or shave, Pappa's dad and I might move in with him.

 

[Rulz]

Been dealing with this for 5 years. Luckily my mom is still in shape enough to take care of him, but that won't last forever. They have a lady that comes in to help, but I'm only about 5 min away and it's well known that I would literally rip someone's head clean off if I ever find out any shit for brained silliness went on.

We have been fortunate enough that neighbors come and mow the 5 acres...which is no easy task. I used to do it myself but then these folks just started helping when I had my knee replaced and I cannot begin to thank them enough.

It's a crappy deal, one that many of us all are having to deal with. All I can say is you aren't alone...I have had many nights with the phone calls and I have to drag my ass out of bed and go try and convince dad that, no, you aren't going to work, the railroad hasn't called for you in years to work, and no that 65 Chevy is long gone.

It gets really bad sometimes when he starts asking "where is my mom?", and all that. It's hard as hell...but I was blessed with great parents who helped me to get to this place in life so I do my damndest to make sure they are taken care of...

Good luck for all you guys and gals that are in this predicament.

 

[AnniePokely]

Feel bad for you. As bad as it was health wise with my mom, it was never to that point. I'm thankful.

 

[SquinkY5786]

I have two grandparents that are around 92. They have been doing great until the last few years after my Uncle (their son) died. They just kind of stopped caring. My grandmother is still decently sharp in the head, but her knees are basically shot. Hard to even get out of a chair. My grandfather was the most active old man I had seen, he was on the roof doing Christmas lights in the late 80s. My parents found my grandmother on the ground in the bathroom and she had been there all night. My grandfather didn't even notice she wasn't around. So they took her to a doctor and he told her if you can't stay on your feet you will have to go to a home. She hasn't had any issues since. I have never seen a person age so quickly as my grandfather. He hurts his hip a few years ago and isn't as mobile. He has really went downhill since then. Lawyer gave advice to get all money and items put into my parents name. Said Medicare would kick in only after the grandparents have basically liquidated and spent everything on care. But it is also retroactive for 5 years. So at this point its probably useless. Crazy to see a guy who went through the dust bowl, WWII, and many other trying times become so dependent on others.